The tug of war match in my head of what makes this a good idea. I try to think what is the straw that breaks the camels back. In other words, what is the motivator or the significant event that occurred to make me lean towards this being the best idea for my future. Is it more advantageous this train of thought to proceed or should I fall back into a normal society routine.
I turned 35 yesterday. I had imagine by now I would have a wife and kids, but that life was abruptly blown apart do to deception and betrayal. I’m going through a divorce now, which is what made this adventure more probably and possible. The difficulty and struggle that has bestowed upon me during this catastrophe brings the thought to the surface that I need this adventure like a reward to make up for the hardship I faced. Is this that straw that broke the camels back? Is this the significant event that makes me feel whole-heartedly that this is the best possible choice. I seem to still need a little self convincing and direction, but all things in life worth it are usually difficult and this train of thought rides on the back of a fire breathing dragon.
When I was 20 I had just got out of my first major love. Her name was pj. She is from Thailand. When her green card expired she went back to her country creating so much distance between us making the relationship bare little fruit. I wasn’t ready to get married yet so I settled with the transition and told myself the only way to get over this lost would be to go on the ultimate adventure. Or that this adventure would make up for the lost. I was very naive, but I did convince myself to go through with this epic journey. If I had to lose the greatest love then I deserved the greatest adventure. This reasoning helped me stay determine to set up my 7 month hiking journey on the Appalachian Trail.
When I completed my active duty army contract I also was discombobulated from life experiences. So I planned out and pursued the 4 month canoe trip down the entire Mississippi river. Three different instances in my life I sought after epic adventures in hopes to sew my past shut. The benefits that can be reaped are numerous, but was I running from myself. Am I pursuing these adventurers with the purest heart. I’ve reflected a lot on this and I think if I resolve the reasoning an come up with the action jam plan I believe is fathomable optimizing its virtues then it would become the ideal plan moving forward. I have so many plans for this adventure and it has a lot of challenges for me in all the right ways. Through this journey I will recommence and become more neoteric. The limits of this adventure are far greater than arms reach and I will see to making my arms much longer as it comes be simply a task of reaching out. Ultimate creativity will be provoked and endured.
One last note to caveat is the feeling of belonging. Many humans struggle with the feeling of not belonging or not knowing your purpose. When I was on the Appalachian trail sometimes I would wander off the beaten path and get lost on purpose. These times of being completely lost the feeling of belonging seemed to vanish. Not having direction and being completely lost sometimes seems to be the key to feeling like you have purpose and belong. It is a bit of an oxymoron, but nonetheless extreme absence from some things make that thing more tangible when it is brought back into view.
