When my world flipped upside down last year I lost so much. I have been in a deep hole of depression since. I’m resentful toward the parties involved. Many of my family members let me suffer and fall on my face. Many of them lied to me and increased my suffering when I needed them the most. I did not understand that. I thought family was suppose to be there for you when you need them most. My thoughts on what family meant changed dramatically since then. I wish I could go into details on it, but I am afraid I will be judged for it. The whole scenario is quite difficult to believe. I would have a hard time believing it if it hadn’t happen to me.

What happen made it impossible to be married to my significant other. She betrayed me and ruined my life. The love of my life destroyed my life and my goals and dreams would now be exceedingly difficult to reach. She was in the Chinese military and was very abusive. She often blacked out and hit me and our step daughter. After we got married she hurt herself in front of me or/and threaten to hurt herself. She made a scene causing way to much attention from third parties. She had a problem with lying, which was her specialty when she served for the Chinese government. She was a cheerleader for the Chinese military cheering, “Death to America”.

I know what was I thinking marrying this women. There was a good side to her, but her bad side was to extreme. She treated our marriage like it was a Chinese marriage. Living in a female state in the US she had every person in her corner. She was rewarded for lying and I was laughed at for getting hit by her. When we separated she took everything my dogs, step daughter, belongings. There was nothing left of my life once she decided to play some power moves. She had the government eating out of her hand.

My immediate family was never more distant. The closest relative in my immediate family was over a 1000 miles away. I was trapped in a bad situation and the key of getting out of it lied within the grasp of my blood family. They did not take action. For months I was hopeless as my life was torn down to shambles. No one came to my support until 5 months later. By then I was mentally broken. The blood family appeared, but instead of helping me they mostly pretended giving me false hope and contributing to my already massive frustration. There are many more layers to this story. Bottom line I live in an area with one of the most corrupt governments and I can’t leave soon enough. The little support I got my from my family was a day late and a dollar short. And when I say day late I mean months.

Two of my sisters who I remained close to were able to help me put things into perspective to a certain point. I don’t think they have a clue what ti did to me, but they try to relate and give me a place to vent and bounce my thoughts off of. My venting can get pretty dark which drives one away, but both sisters helped me in more than one way. They were my band-aids for the many bullet wounds that I suffered from. The damage was deep and my dissatisfaction for how they were able to help me while I was accelerating toward rock bottom never was enough. It often felt like they provided a pillow for a 100ft fall. Not very effective, but it was support and I needed to be grateful. Some things they did did make a big difference, but they were helping me with my recovery from a bad situation. What I really needed was a safety net and support when all the cards were stacked against me.

They try to relate to me, but it doesn’t feel relevant. I dont think they have felt a pain like mine, but they do say women emotions do run deep. I’m redefining my life now. One of them tells me to focus on my big dreams. She says that will help me move forward. The other I had learned is much more down to earth then I had ever expected makes me feel acknowledge to a certain extent. They have both provided me with tools that I can use for the future.

One of them helped me achieve enlightenment. She told me that her relationship with dad is much stronger than between use. She expalined in a way that announced that some family members are more important or urgent to support or be there for then others. Being the youngest of 5 siblings I never thought about it like that. My sisters and brothers have had more time to build a relationship with the parents then me. They feel like they owe more to them. I did not think of family like this. I thought we were all equals. I guess being the youngest made me naive. I learned a lot about family during this hell storm. I thought I owed it to them to always be there in time of need if I could be, but family is that easily labeled. The love in the family is like chemistry some members have a stronger connection than others. I could go into great description on what this epiphany did for me…

I’ve been all over the world doing over 200 missions, been to 6 different colleges with 400+ college credits. Served 10 years in the military. Over the last 10 years my connection to the family had changed or never was what I thought it was. I was in a state of my euphoria for the family. They were my tangled spider web. They were the crossroads that I could always resort to for finding my roots and feeling up my internal well for happiness. No this is not the case. The well was broken or never existed. The happy thoughts I had of my older siblings as a youngster were finally able to change to something new. I am coming out of a naive protective layer cocoon. I have relinquished old superstitions of what I thought family is. I am now able to delve deep inside myself and see my web work and crossroads is a figment of my imagination. My ideas and thoughts are like split ends. If I don’t take care of them they will break and/or become brittle. True strength comes somewhere from deep within. My many layers of consciousness can now be observed without prejudice better with more precision. The family way is not the optimal human way. It is just a way. I am not bound by there beliefs and standards. I know morality. With there love and support I can follow my own moral compass as I know it has been greatly haltered. Family can help you find a path, but it is up to you to choose how you will perceive and fabricate the path that fits you. As I am resentful and don’t find the love for them to be the same. I still need to find comfort in my distaste for there ways. Since I am now free of obligation to them at certain length I find forging my own path a little more vibrant.

What is this post about. It is about feeling little obligation to the social world. It is about leaving the social patterns that imprison my brain to a far to reach place. It is about finding exactness in how I resolve my fortitude. It is my fire and desire and compassion to feel thirsty for a ascetic life. Finding the rock of my soul. The nucleus my forgotten ways as a child. The depths and forgotten smiles of all smiles. The awakening to life endorphins that flow only with true inner peace. A soul is a metaphor to me, but a strong one at that. One can not forget there soul and finding it can get more difficult as our worlds open up and become larger. Often times when you lose everything you gain it all. Can I be the man to leave it all behind. It has left me. No one holds me firmly to the materialistic world. I will beat my chest at the top of a mountain as the sun sets and the stars begin to shine brilliantly on the lofts of my shoulders.

No one owes me anything. When I feel my world fall apart. My expectations of what things should hold me back or ground me into a social setting will hopefully never settle for there primitive barbaric ways again. A new man can be formed and set in stone. I will not worry about leaving behind a destiny, but instead weaving a complex pattern of fated ends only to be admired by the quantum world. There must be a new mindset forged from this discrepancy. Mistakes and fallback are learning opportunities. I will try to keep this dream alive and quantum entangle my surroundings with fortitude.