This blog has more description on my despair from recent events in my life more than actually writing about new achievements and checkpoints on my way to my dream job. One thing to note as I’m preparing to write this I do feel a sudden urge to work on my academic goals, which brings me closer to my dreams.

I just started a pot of coffee with plans to stay up all night and work on school and work stuff. I was hired on as a GA (Graduate Assistant) and OIT in Wilsonville, OR. There are a lot of projects for me to work on this school year. I’m in a somewhat stable environment where I can grow academical and professionally. The GA job has me working in the power lab on a project to make artificial intelligence. With the GA job I am allowed to take additional classes. This term I have additional projects for those classes such as a maximum power point tracker and a hydrogen refueling autonomous system. Then there is my graduate project for making a windmill electrolysis system that optimize energy with the use of AI. My academic and work goals for the year are what I consider admirable. However I still struggle much with my past. My quality of life isn’t very good. I don’t feel love for much anymore and I have future appointments with the Oregon government which I call satan’s army.

2022 March was when my ex-wife betrayed me and that is what started a snow ball effect of the government to torture me. My appeal for this case is supposed to be getting processed this month, but I have no hopes for it. Even if I when the appeal I know the truth about the government here now. I am almost certain I wont get a fair trail. Sometimes I get caught up on what I will say at trail. It might be like last time where the only evidence showed is what makes me look bad. It will be manipulated and controlled so the state will win. Even if my ex-wife states like she did last time that I did not do what was on the paper it on’t matter. The judge believes the worse off the defendant. My ex-wife opened a can of worms that only subjects the man to corruption. I learned that even if she is caught lying in court the judge will think she is being brave. It does not matter the evidence. The system is manipulated by the judge and the district attorney and the public defender is often another obstacle for the defendant. This is what I go up against. I go over in my head what I will say and it only makes me more frustrated. I know the cards are stacked against me.

My sister Rachel shows frustration that I am so disappointed with my family for not being there for me. She states I need to take responsibility for my choices. She must feel like I fault her for not being there for me. I don’t fault her. I understand more what family is. It isn’t about some tie that is fantasy. It is an actually limitation. The love I felt for my step daughter was tremendous. I believe her love for her immediate family is like this but even stronger. Learning that our own family can be a stronger feeling of love shows me that my time away from my first family isn’t this unconditional love. It is a love of limitations. My discomfort while being tortured is not real to them or not important enough to divert there attention to my needs. They did not experience it so they can not understand it. I can not fault them for this. So how do i take responsibility for my choice to be? How was it my choice to be tortured? It was my choice to believe in my family. I’m taking responsibility for this I think. I choose to hope in my greatest time of need that my family would help me. They did in small part but many of them failed to fully address the problem. Some of them could have done more but did not out of laziness. Some made it worse for me. Some had a death in there other family which took priority over me. Some of my family members don’t like seeing me post things that mention my disappointment with family members. They take it personal even if it isn’t them specifically.

So how do I move past this. What do I owe them in return. Will they ever be tortured and lose everything like I did. Probably not. So it seems I do not really owe them nothing. They say they’re biggest pain is like my biggest pain. Like if they get a paper cut and its the worse injury they ever had. The pain they feel is the same as me losing my arms. I don’t agree with this philosophy but to them it can be there real truth. They’re truth can be different from mine. Once they’re paper cut heals my arm will still be gone and the pain will still be there. That is my truth. It has to be ok to have different truths. I must be man enough to accept this. With this truth if they ever have a hard time in life and it isnt as bad as mine then my truth is I dont really have any obligation to help them. That is my truth. Considering the amount of pain and problem that was caused for my life on March 2022 it seems difficult to quantify what I am obligated to help them with if they face a hardship. They probably wont face one like mine and they will probably always have someone there for them in a closer wya then I had.

Sinister as it may seem this in my mind is freedom. I don’t have to worry about my family. Well at least my immediate family. I have an aunt that I am really close to and I was close to my uncle, but we lived near each other and were part of each others life on the daily. Same is true for some of my cousins. So strangely enough I feel more obligated to be there for them and actually sometime feel more love for them then I do my immediate family. I don’t think this is wrong. I dont think it is really right either but it is my current feeling on the matter. My life will probably go on for many years without closure from my immediate family. They think I need to take responsibility for my choices. I choose to not resist arrest. I chose to stand up for what I believe in. I chose to hope my family would do what was easy attainable. I did make these choices. Have I accepted them? I think I have. Have I properly processed them and let go of my resentment. I don’t think I have. But how do I become responsible for these choices? If I forgive them which I think I have mostly will I be susceptible to having expectations of them again? If I have no expectations of them then what value do I get from having them in my life. Can I lower my expectations and they can be part of the scenery in my life but not the main props.

Family is not what i use to think they were. They wont me to be responsible for my choices. How do I mature? I learned they some of them will betray me and make my life worse when I need them. I learned I am the low man on the totem pole to some of them. I learned some of them are too lazy to care. Somewhere in this turmoil im supposed to learn responsibility.

Its not their fault what happened to me. It is highly probable they could have stopped it from going where it went. They did not have to make it worse. Am I responsible for a corrupt government that tortured me? How do I take responsibility for there lack of support and the evil of the government and betrayal of ex-wife. What is my one percent in it? How does my one percent in it warrant the 99% percent of pure evil? I was tortured and my life was destroyed but my pain and suffering is the equivalent to them getting a papercut.

Last February I missed an apt with my probation officer due to car problems. I called her several times to reschedule, but she did not return my calls. Then out of the blue she emailed me on April and said if I don’t come into her office she will get a warrant for my arrest. I did not see the email until it was too late. I called in and the front office lady said she was on vacation. I called her supervisor to talk and she did not respond to my email. Then the PO issued a warrant for my arrest stating she has been calling me. I got my phone records and it showed no phone calls from her. I believed she was lying but it was clear she was not calling me. She stated she thinks she had the wrong number. She tried to resend the warrant but it was to late. The infamous judge Garcia got the letter and issued the warrant. I turned myself in and was release 3 days later. They have not issued me a defense attorney and this case has been open since april going on 7 months now. I have gone to court 4-5 times in the last 5 months and each time they tell me to come back in a month because they don’t have an attorney for me yet. I cant move out of the state until this court case resolves. I feel like I did nothing wrong, but I know how evil this government is. They are clearly violating my due process, lack of good council but this is just technicalities in there court. What matters for them is that the state is ready to screw me over. Once they pick the public defender who will probably work against me then I am expecting them to lock me away for about a yr. This is in my mind insanity, but in washington county OR this is very normal. I despise this government. This is where satans army is. My familys paper cut and my year sentence in a jail that is under staff where you have to sit in a room over 23 hrs a day which violates civil rights. This government is the criminal. It is criminals punishing the community sadistically. My heart woes for the many inmates who dont deserve the treatment given by this sadistic government.