Today is an attempt to start catching up where I left off with this blog. A turn of events has me seriously considering a traveling trip on the PCT. So much planning to be had in a short amount of time and limited resources to be comfortable with the transition. Sacrifices, reverences and resiliency all to be had cruising toward me. Decisions to make… I know this for sure though it seems like the turn of events and last couple weeks was quite difficult. I’m am unsure how to talk about it at this time or if i’ll ever give full detail, because there is dignity hoped to be preserved and third parties privacy to respect. New developing confidence has emerge and the calloused heart has been being sanded down. There is a porous layer still there and many short comings still felt due to partly my ignorance to protect myself from grief. Allowing my heart to callous toward torturing events or/and ignoring insignificant creating a back burner overflowing is somewhat being levitated. Hence the callous and self created blindspots in my memory doesn’t seem to warrant at this time of my life. It is now more about resolving and finding reverence. Learning about fortitude and working with what I have. Many weaknesses and flaws still programed and strengthen over these detrimental years of derogatory events, but hope has emerge in a more organic novel way and it feels like I need to push throw this window of enlightenment to make the doors fly open. Awareness, self-respect, and tranquility through perseverance and honesty with self is considered optimal for the moment in time and I am slowing working to resolve these blind spots, hesitation and fears. A new key term in my own urban dictionary is 50 shades of ego. I dont feel self respect when I am slipping into autopilot mode. As though my subconscious is side stepped. The time to become more present in the moment is not only a desire but a thirst I have not tried to quench for quite sometime. Can not allow these events in live which caused grief, depression and low self confidence to strength and take firm hold over me creating blindness. The longer I go unresolved the more difficult and improbable it seems it will be to defeat my inner me which can be thought of as my inner enemy…