Reflecting on my childhood the the events that have lead to today has me torn on who I should become in the future. The thoughts rushing in and out of my head tonight as I try to sleep.

A burden, misunderstanding or/and indifference to other ways of life seemingly clogs the natural flow of self-confidence when trying to put aside my natural philosophy about life. Or acceptance and empathy of other peoples ways depreciates my self-driven motivation to march by the beat of my own drum. I can not dismiss that trying to be understanding of others often creates pressure front in my eyes as they continue to describe themselves as I feel and sense a path walked with two left feet. As there world opens up to me and I try not to interject my reality in this scenario, resulting a nudge in the form of self and surrounding awareness of tangible things slowing feels skewed out of my center conscious. It is like to separate entity of understanding and my mind becomes partition momentarily to help with putting myself in there shoes. I put in serious effort to try and understand the gravity of there philosophy granted it isn’t to far fetched. If it is to non-fiction a different part of me surfaces with interpretation techniques as taking there input as a metaphor even if not meant as one. Sometimes in this scenario if I do not interject they become irrational and the conversation becomes irritable. A sense of condescending often circumferences of this directive perspective of theres and I then have to choose to be non sensible or pick and choose my battles with local maximums of fallacy in there philosophy. This area often has me in a stance of a soft but firm opposition. I do not always elaborate, but I have grow use to the communication in our instrumental language not measuring up to the value of meaningful conscious understanding. I’m a firm believer the human language is just an instrument to help with communication, but was never meant to give exactness to a conscious meaningful and complete thought. Unless there perspective is derived and formulated to completeness from simply non-complex thought processes. Then it is a matter of balance and they may or may not readjust as the conversation continues to confiscate for words previously stated that did not adequate there feelings to a satisfactory precision. I think the conclusion on this for now is not allowing someone to self correct and adjust there mannerism of words as the meaning being described experience different efficiency of logical correctness spills out could ultimately be a short coming of mine in my way of allowing others to fully communicate there understanding of life. In a sense or logical way there flow of words being non-interrupted could be like a metaphor of how a flower blossoms. Having the right environment for them to communicate is somewhat of a delicate process and a sturdy foundation of variables to induce out not cause reluctance of them to be self explanatory may only occur if all the parameters are closely met. However, I have experienced listening to long winded individuals and the amount of questions and interjects and irrational reasoning of there thought pattern might have a plethora of irrationality, which I would lose track of and never fully get to have a balance conversation, which I believe could make them more grounded.

I found many years ago trying to explain my reasoning with the human language I grow up English that it often was exhausting and the effort barely ever felt rewarding enough. It felt like I was trying to turn a sows ear into a silk purse, which is considered a colossal waste of time and money. You might say this is when a part of me gave up on the instrument of language when it came to describe complex matter because the priming of others to follow my philosophy was often to burdening.

Many years ago I did not deal with isolation the same as I do today and the feeling is and I am sure will continue to be sinusoidal. I often did not find enjoyment at parties and social events. I seemed to like the quietness of my own thoughts more. As years progress different events helped me deal with isolation more and actually encouraged it. Two big events was hiking the entire Appalachian Trial for 7 months and canoeing down the entire Mississippi river for four months. These times opened my mind to more things then one, but to be specific to this blog post they increased my ability to be present in the moment when in open dialect with others. It is also believed and felt through experience to increase creative thinking. The feeling of isolation with methodical reasoning might have started developing an ability to ignore certain feelings of loneliness and need for acceptance in the world. As the world of becoming an impactful scientist came to fruition my eyes perceived and built the road to extraordinary futuristic outcomes.

A new developing feeling came to the surface. It was not as relevant now to have others understand me, because another amongst many contributing vectors accelerated in unison to continue the road of education.

Accidentally I got the wagon in front of the horse. Before explain the new feeling surfacing more background should be included to quench my thirst with the completeness of this blog post. I had been encouraged by multiple ex girlfriends at a young age to continue being humorous. As the comedian in me was kept close to me chest for this reason amongst many others. Finding how comedy can often times be extremely truthful I found value in the improv and fabrication along with creativeness in me to continue to be comical. It seemed to me a useful tool to continue to be honest with myself and others which I believe also improves my ability as a scientist especially when it comes to thinking clearly. Another thing to mention at a young age was a conscious decision to become intelligent vs. ignorant. I felt like it was a sacrifice and one that would come with more emotional burden, but nevertheless a decision I had made early in my teens.

Back to the new developing feeling as it mutated and gain complexity during my years as OIT as an undergrad I made a choice to sacrifice my social life for hopes to improve and be a better engineer. I kind of remember making the decision for the greater good remembering facing much opposition from others and indifference even though my goal was mainly to improve the quality of life for my fellow humans. During the years it did not seem of the not so recent past and still today I seem to face resist with both symbolic and tangible examples of people wanting to hinder my progress as a scientist, because they feel certain obligation or insecurity. Either way it does not seem to matter what evolutional form im in there is always a new character trying to be an obstacle in my path of becoming a successful and more fulfilled inventor which has been a life long dream for as long as I can remember. I think it might be encouraging to others that I to has faced much opposition and others trying to bring me down when striding toward my life long dream. I often found it ironic as well because a lot of opposition came which was seemingly meant to hinder my ability to become the man that can ultimately improve there life. As I wrote that sentence I realize improving quality of life is kind of a catch 22 but for the sake of this post I’ll skirt the parameters of this turmoil and stay focused on the point of this composed message.

There are a few scientist I am directly inspired most by at the moment which are Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman and Pierre-Simon Laplace. Two of which help describe the message in this post. First off is Albert for his lucid methods of improving thinking. A caveat is he would often forget to put his pants on before he left his house. I see this as comically inspirational. His commit to science often left him at ends to conforming to society. In fact im pretty sure many did not except his and saw him as a mad scientist. The next one is Laplace the famous French mathematician. At age 17 he created the powerful tool called the Laplace transformation, which I am very familiar with and still trying to understand more. This math tool sometimes comes into sight in my mind but i’ve never been able to articulate it from its derivation. I hope to someday be able to do so. This math tool surfaces in my mind all the time as it correlated closely to my control engineering degree. The laplace transformation in its original form was not able to be used by the general public because it was to confusing. And as history exclaims he was not able to translate it for the the general public to use. Therefore it was completely useless for many. However, his friends where able to restructure it and simplify the tool so the general population could use it. I reflect on this scenario all the time. I inspired to be like him many years ago when I learned of this while I was reading a history book of mathematicians. It was about 7 years ago in my early engineering college years during the first year of math at Oregon Technical Institute studying Calculus. This scientist may have cursed me with these words or given me one of my greatest motivational factors as an engineer. I followed this short coming of his as a inspiring note to be like him. I was drinking, eating and sleeping college curriculum for many years taking more difficult class by far then anyone I knew. I took full advantage of my military GIbill. One academic advisor stated my education was like the equivalence of three PhD’s. This was before I doped up the curriculum to get even more difficult. Finishing up my Masters degree at OIT some might see my education as 4-5 phd’s not that it matters to me, but give s insight on who I have become. My grad project was said to be patientable, but my energy to make the patient never came through. I was a scientist first. One instructor stated we are engineers on the shoulders of giants. Which gives acknowledgement to all the scientist that came before us as a sum value of which we where standing on top of. I seem to lean more still to this day to me a scientist true in heart and not a patient chaser or green dragon (money) chaser. Another instructor stated,” when we share our ideas it often encourages us to finish the project faster and can give us more insight”. I have found many students do not take advantage of this. They pick a thesis or project less monumental due to not wanting to share or loose rights to the technology. I want to give recognition to the college as I see them as one of the best kept secret schools. A college I decided to go to and turn down an offer to go to an ivy league school. The curriculum is stacked and unique. In my mind it is much better then ivy league. I do not care about the title of the school I went to. I seek success through merit and hard work. This college has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They deserve acknowledge in all its glory. I read and hear about ridiculousness of the curriculum of these ivy league colleges more so today then before which solidify s and confirms my feeling and instinct to march to my own drum beat. My grad project has been mental torture unlike any other, but the hard stuff has pretty much all been resolved. Now it is just about leaning forward and walking fast enough so I don’t fall on my face.

The sacrifice I made to become this engineer seems all to real. My ability to have good grammar has only gotten worse over the years. I do not value the English language instrument like other might. I’m often made fun of and my intelligence is questions do to my ability top communicate. I’m often misunderstood, but I had become more use to it and less bothered as time progress. While writing this blog my auto correct spelling half the time doesn’t even know what word I was trying to spell. It is frustrating and cumbersome and goes against many of my instincts and beliefs to want to improve it. I still seem to have much more desire to be like Laplace. I envision myself a mad scientist someday in a lab probably alone with a crazy hair style dranking red bull.

I have had intense emotional response to my isolation in this manner of not being understood due to my philosphy, education driven efforts and moral and ethically reasoning compass, but it was something that reminds me of my origin.

I am now at a crossroads that I am indifferent to. It has been stated that communication is one of the most underrated tools in engineering. Many engineers I have observe seem to lack good communication. The evidence is in the pudding. I do not qualitative measure intelligence by one standard but some do. I’ve expressed to friends I hope someday they will be able to translate for me to the general public the technology im using. However the non-profit business as an international travel journalist to conduct research and development around the world I inspire to do before and in preparation for the for profit business seems to have been spear headed by myself. Forcing me to diverge and wear two different hats. One as a scientist and one as an entrepreneur. I want to be multidemisional, but I question what the risk is. I wonder if becoming this two hatted person is worth it. I have already adjusted my blog post composition to be more easily interpreted and am doing it for the sake of the business and partners willing to work with me. I’m doing it for the people who can benefit. I’m doing it to proudly represent my country and see about being a supporters of others in different countries sharing my tech and gain there knowledge as I travel the world. I see this as a form of the ultimate renaissance man. I feel less creative and progressive in my creative inventive thinking as I shift focus toward these unused to tool for many years of effective communication. I day dream of the day that others will wear the hat of the entrepreneur business management administration section as I can then be solely the Systems Engineering Management as lead engineer. I’ve read that a good effective business has two main managers one on the admin side and one on the engineering side. I’ll take the role of the engineering side with a fluidity approach with hopes I can soon focus on being the engineer I dream to be. A job designed and tailored by me. Each business partners is part of the division of labor. I see the picture. I hope some day they will see it as well. Everyone so far has been hand selected and slotted to work in a department they are compassionate about. We are recruiting. We are all equally important scientist and a family. The dream of starting a business is real life now. The dream of making a huge impact is the business realm is still underway. The group of scientist so far are motivated, novel, creative and motivated. It is an amazing feeling seeing this skeleton structure take the helm and the philosophy of the family oriented business suggested by me is seemingly being accepted. I’m committed to the business as I plan on leading by example and to continue to grow as an individual. I thank everyone that has partakes in this life long dream so far and continue to do so and the future prospects that soon will come aboard. I hope everyone feels valued and can find inspiration and self motivation to build this dream into a reality and change the world and our quality of life for generations too come…