I have been told that I just kept getting stuck on the hamster wheel with my turmoil and disgust for what happened. Ppl would tell me I have to get out of it. Now at times it is noticeable I am not constantly running on that wheel at full speed, but it wasn’t because it was resolved. It is because the wound is less fresh. I understand I will hit more falls and feel the turbulence of this residual and compounded atrocity against me perhaps until I hit my grave.

I think a lot about a couple of my family members that made things worse for me. I haven’t talked to them in almost a year and have no since of urgency to communicate with them again. Its odd but me edging them out and imaging some of them never getting to be present around me intentionally seems to fuel my compassion for my new life. It might be wrong of me but I want them to feel the betrayal I felt by their actions by not including them in my future. I think if they try to contact me how will I handle it. I don’t want to be rude, but I feel a need to cut them deep like they did me. To turn my back on them when they need me the most. Its not healthy for me to affiliate myself with them.

I make statements to my peers that I want to live in the most conservative place in the country ie Rexburg, Idaho. Where a life of solitude or separation from unnecessary obstacles in life can give me fulfillment. Is living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere the answer? I felt like changing my name, but do not want to disrespect the family that are still pieces of my life.

I talk very negative about the government and let the gullible know they are annoying me with there belief the system is functional. When I do not feel like i’m being heard I want to shut them off. Its as though they get one chance to see my sincerity of how the government is ran by twisted people. Some say I am serving my punishment, but I say I am taking my torture sentence since I was not at fault.

I’m back in college and often see peers and hear about there jobs they get. It’s really depressing as I feel I should have had that opportunity. It was a huge effort of mine to extend my education beyond normal limits to be advantageous to society. It was my honor to serve my Country in the army. However, that feeling has been shifted or altered. I thought I was fighting for my constitutional rights and to bring honor to our name. I served in the military and started my education in Oregon with hype, but they showed me this place is not military friendly. It isn’t man friendly. It is unconstitutional. The constitution here is just a piece of paper. The government does not follow it here and they punish honest men. It is disheartening to think my time in the military is dishonored and does not hold value as the public society here sees it. Instead much of the people around here shit on the flag. I’ve been to many states in the US usually avoiding the city’s. I live in one for a few months and I saw a third world country ran by communist. How does someone have pride in their country when the cities are all mostly in deep turmoil. When the community in the city is generally a shoe string group of ppl favored because of their ethnicity in being 1st or 2nd generation and exotic. I know its not all like this, but my pessimism gives me insight on the government destroying the ppl that actually care about the country. If this county goes bankrupt the money hungry foreigns will move on to the next country and the city will only have bad governments and crime.

I haven’t really figured out how to deal with my feeling of being upset with family individuals that contributed to a systematic problem that worsen in time. I don’t know if I will get a normal life again. I don’t know if my dream will come true to be an international travel journalist. Few countries would probably not allow me to enter their premise if they learn of the false title this state gave me. I see still many things are possible, but the label on my back now will carry over to things that will cause discomfort and diminished possibility for my future.

Some good has come over the last couple of months. I was able to enroll full time at college with a job as a graduate assistant. Ppl seem to find it hard to trust me because of my past that was completely out of my control with very little support for a path out to freedom. As I work and progress it is as though I have to reprove myself. I have to show consistency in my acts and be resilience to assure third party’s will be more trusting and at ease. It is not fair at all. I’m 35 and often treated as a child even when it would seem i’m the most educated in the room. My past cast a spell over my presence like a curse. I’m annoyed by the ppl who have doubt, because of it.

Getting momentum moving forward isn’t showing much fruit. My path seems like a trail of starvation and judgement. Resources are limited and success is becoming reliant on asking for favors. This life is infuriating and I am not finding much love for the ones that sat by idly well this atrocity was being dealt to me to cause this difficult road. I still love some of my family members and have more clearance on where the rubber hits the road. I can’t help to feel as though I hope they suffer like I did. It is not a constant feeling, but if they did encounter it I feel as though it would help them understand what it feels like to be left behind and forgotten.

Perhaps the long trail in the hopeful near future walking on the path with crispy leafs being pressed under my feet and the focus of the wind on my face leaving tendrils of sparrows in my dust and giving me a vision of future will heal my amenities. I believe if I find love and freedom for life again it will be in my solitude. It will be on the path to mysterious new corridors my mind secretly longs for. Maybe this is what my family felt like to and that is why my independence is more a mirror of their past walks. As the youngest I must have had to learn that our true character is not evolved around our first family, but instead developed and evolved with our second family. I may not marry again, but do have hopes that I will find my second family as they have even if it is a symbolic family.